A brief Christmas meltdown

It was the night before Christmas, a couple of days after our fourth wedding anniversary. We have just traveled back to Abu Dhabi and checked into our booked hotel after spending a few days in Dubai. Michael felt sick with a headache, mostly because of long hours on the road. I felt sorry for him because he was supposed to be taking a break and rest from work, and yet there he was, asking if he could catch some sleep before we join my sister and her flatmates for Noche Buena. Of course I obliged, and let him catch some sleep he definitely needed.

And while he was sleeping, I felt overwhelmed by the realization of how he loves me all the same through the years, of how he gives so much and forgives me quickly, of how he tries so hard to understand me, and of how he helps and supports me. I was overwhelmed and thought if I am as loving, as giving, as forgiving, as trying, as helping and supporting as he is to me. I am so blessed and yet I was questioning myself. I felt that I am not able to reciprocate all the things that Michael has done for me - for us. And there was a pain from longing for what we were praying for, there still is. Then I wondered and worried about the coming years - how they would be. It was another kind of sadness, but believing in the brighter side of things helps keep me going everyday. I felt frustrated and went into a meltdown that night before Christmas, while on a leisure trip celebrating our wedding anniversary and Christmas. I let it all pour while he was sleeping. I recognized my pain and gave in for a moment. It might sound melodramatic, but it was real.

When he woke up, he saw me and wondered what happened. I couldn't quite explain it to him but I guess he knew somehow. Then it passed, and I'm so glad that a meltdown might be inevitable but could pass. We do not feel alright sometimes, and it's okay. It shall pass. Let's believe that it will pass.

Thankfully, my meltdown did not affect much of our trip. Our 5-day trip in the UAE had been fun and overwhelming with meeting family and friends for a short time, and celebrating the festive season away from home. A week after that, I had my period. Maybe my hormonal imbalance contributed to my anxiety, maybe it was the season, or maybe both. I think what's more important is that it has passed. I'm praying that this new year will be more forgiving and exciting. Happy new year!☺

Taken after riding the abra, like a tourist