Love in the time of graying hair and achy knees

"Masarap naman magluto Mommy mo," (Your mom cooks really well) my dad admitted when I  asked how was his eating after his recent operation*. Thankfully, he now eats solid foods in small amounts and appreciates mom's cooking while he's still recovering.

My parents, both in their sixties, express their affection in little doses and in vague ways. I wonder if they had been like that when they were young and when they just got married. Growing up, I rarely saw them sweet with each other since my dad's past jobs only allowed him to be home once every two to three years. I can't remember if they went out on a date, just the two of them; maybe they did once or twice but it's not a common thing. If ever they went out, it was always with us, their children. I actually haven't known a lot of long-married couples being openly affectionate; on the other hand, some married couples in our (not-so-nice) neighborhood could even be heard screaming and arguing with each other like they were always on the brink of splitting up. However, there were a few old couples I have met whose relationships were inspiring and something to look up to.

My parents' marriage isn't perfect (whose is anyway?), but I'm glad that they still stick with each other. They had been apart for a long time until my dad retired from work eight years ago. During the first few months when dad was back home, it was like they were struggling to adapt to being reunited and we, their children, were affected by that conflict. It helped that we were all grown ups at that time. We were their priorities for a long time that their relationship was brushed aside. I guess growing apart and growing old took a toll on their marriage. But I'd like to think that my parents make do with what they have. Love is not just about holding hands, hugging and kissing, and saying I love you out loud especially in the time of graying hair and achy knees, because it is there in every meal prepared, every laundry made, every dinner together, every laughter shared, and every greeting spoken on anniversaries, celebrations and birthdays. I hope that it lingers in quiet little ways.

Dad and mom when they were younger (I have yet to find out the story behind this photo)

*My dad recently underwent operation that removed his left kidney found to have a huge mass. We still don't know the biopsy results, but he's already recovering. I'm thankful that my parents are still there for each other, even though they often seemed to be in disagreement.

When exacttly

 

If you would ask me when exactly did love happen between us,

I might tell you the instances it had already begun.

There would be a lot to profess -

it was there in thoughtful moments, even in petty ones.

If I ponder on when exactly,

I believe it was growing

when the anxious voices in my head quieted down when you were close,

when you shared my burden and tried to be there during my lows.

Maybe I couldn't define when exactly,

I just knew that when it happened, it will never leave.

Thank you for existing

  

  

  

  

* A simple appreciation that I wrote for my husband's birthday last 10th of August.

A brief Christmas meltdown

It was the night before Christmas, a couple of days after our fourth wedding anniversary. We have just traveled back to Abu Dhabi and checked into our booked hotel after spending a few days in Dubai. Michael felt sick with a headache, mostly because of long hours on the road. I felt sorry for him because he was supposed to be taking a break and rest from work, and yet there he was, asking if he could catch some sleep before we join my sister and her flatmates for Noche Buena. Of course I obliged, and let him catch some sleep he definitely needed.

And while he was sleeping, I felt overwhelmed by the realization of how he loves me all the same through the years, of how he gives so much and forgives me quickly, of how he tries so hard to understand me, and of how he helps and supports me. I was overwhelmed and thought if I am as loving, as giving, as forgiving, as trying, as helping and supporting as he is to me. I am so blessed and yet I was questioning myself. I felt that I am not able to reciprocate all the things that Michael has done for me - for us. And there was a pain from longing for what we were praying for, there still is. Then I wondered and worried about the coming years - how they would be. It was another kind of sadness, but believing in the brighter side of things helps keep me going everyday. I felt frustrated and went into a meltdown that night before Christmas, while on a leisure trip celebrating our wedding anniversary and Christmas. I let it all pour while he was sleeping. I recognized my pain and gave in for a moment. It might sound melodramatic, but it was real.

When he woke up, he saw me and wondered what happened. I couldn't quite explain it to him but I guess he knew somehow. Then it passed, and I'm so glad that a meltdown might be inevitable but could pass. We do not feel alright sometimes, and it's okay. It shall pass. Let's believe that it will pass.

Thankfully, my meltdown did not affect much of our trip. Our 5-day trip in the UAE had been fun and overwhelming with meeting family and friends for a short time, and celebrating the festive season away from home. A week after that, I had my period. Maybe my hormonal imbalance contributed to my anxiety, maybe it was the season, or maybe both. I think what's more important is that it has passed. I'm praying that this new year will be more forgiving and exciting. Happy new year!☺

Taken after riding the abra, like a tourist

Nueve

Happy 9th anniversary, Michael! I love you. ♡