Love in the time of graying hair and achy knees

"Masarap naman magluto Mommy mo," (Your mom cooks really well) my dad admitted when I  asked how was his eating after his recent operation*. Thankfully, he now eats solid foods in small amounts and appreciates mom's cooking while he's still recovering.

My parents, both in their sixties, express their affection in little doses and in vague ways. I wonder if they had been like that when they were young and when they just got married. Growing up, I rarely saw them sweet with each other since my dad's past jobs only allowed him to be home once every two to three years. I can't remember if they went out on a date, just the two of them; maybe they did once or twice but it's not a common thing. If ever they went out, it was always with us, their children. I actually haven't known a lot of long-married couples being openly affectionate; on the other hand, some married couples in our (not-so-nice) neighborhood could even be heard screaming and arguing with each other like they were always on the brink of splitting up. However, there were a few old couples I have met whose relationships were inspiring and something to look up to.

My parents' marriage isn't perfect (whose is anyway?), but I'm glad that they still stick with each other. They had been apart for a long time until my dad retired from work eight years ago. During the first few months when dad was back home, it was like they were struggling to adapt to being reunited and we, their children, were affected by that conflict. It helped that we were all grown ups at that time. We were their priorities for a long time that their relationship was brushed aside. I guess growing apart and growing old took a toll on their marriage. But I'd like to think that my parents make do with what they have. Love is not just about holding hands, hugging and kissing, and saying I love you out loud especially in the time of graying hair and achy knees, because it is there in every meal prepared, every laundry made, every dinner together, every laughter shared, and every greeting spoken on anniversaries, celebrations and birthdays. I hope that it lingers in quiet little ways.

Dad and mom when they were younger (I have yet to find out the story behind this photo)

*My dad recently underwent operation that removed his left kidney found to have a huge mass. We still don't know the biopsy results, but he's already recovering. I'm thankful that my parents are still there for each other, even though they often seemed to be in disagreement.

When exacttly

 

If you would ask me when exactly did love happen between us,

I might tell you the instances it had already begun.

There would be a lot to profess -

it was there in thoughtful moments, even in petty ones.

If I ponder on when exactly,

I believe it was growing

when the anxious voices in my head quieted down when you were close,

when you shared my burden and tried to be there during my lows.

Maybe I couldn't define when exactly,

I just knew that when it happened, it will never leave.

Thank you for existing

  

  

  

  

* A simple appreciation that I wrote for my husband's birthday last 10th of August.

A brief Christmas meltdown

It was the night before Christmas, a couple of days after our fourth wedding anniversary. We have just traveled back to Abu Dhabi and checked into our booked hotel after spending a few days in Dubai. Michael felt sick with a headache, mostly because of long hours on the road. I felt sorry for him because he was supposed to be taking a break and rest from work, and yet there he was, asking if he could catch some sleep before we join my sister and her flatmates for Noche Buena. Of course I obliged, and let him catch some sleep he definitely needed.

And while he was sleeping, I felt overwhelmed by the realization of how he loves me all the same through the years, of how he gives so much and forgives me quickly, of how he tries so hard to understand me, and of how he helps and supports me. I was overwhelmed and thought if I am as loving, as giving, as forgiving, as trying, as helping and supporting as he is to me. I am so blessed and yet I was questioning myself. I felt that I am not able to reciprocate all the things that Michael has done for me - for us. And there was a pain from longing for what we were praying for, there still is. Then I wondered and worried about the coming years - how they would be. It was another kind of sadness, but believing in the brighter side of things helps keep me going everyday. I felt frustrated and went into a meltdown that night before Christmas, while on a leisure trip celebrating our wedding anniversary and Christmas. I let it all pour while he was sleeping. I recognized my pain and gave in for a moment. It might sound melodramatic, but it was real.

When he woke up, he saw me and wondered what happened. I couldn't quite explain it to him but I guess he knew somehow. Then it passed, and I'm so glad that a meltdown might be inevitable but could pass. We do not feel alright sometimes, and it's okay. It shall pass. Let's believe that it will pass.

Thankfully, my meltdown did not affect much of our trip. Our 5-day trip in the UAE had been fun and overwhelming with meeting family and friends for a short time, and celebrating the festive season away from home. A week after that, I had my period. Maybe my hormonal imbalance contributed to my anxiety, maybe it was the season, or maybe both. I think what's more important is that it has passed. I'm praying that this new year will be more forgiving and exciting. Happy new year!☺

Taken after riding the abra, like a tourist

Nueve

Happy 9th anniversary, Michael! I love you. ♡

Michael + Jillian

I encounter millions of bodies in my life; of these millions, I may desire some hundreds; but of these hundreds, I love only one. [1]

Hey hey!

"I don’t know who we’ll become

in the days ahead, she said.

I only know the quiet voice in my heart 

that says 

we’ll become it together..."

                                - Brian Andreas

This day always reminds me how I should be grateful for your life. It has been both fun and challenging growing with you through the years, and I would not want my recent six years to be different from what we exactly had.

Happy birthday, Michael! I hope that in each and every day, you would remember and know how I appreciate and love you. I pray that you get better in your profession and that you choose to be kinder. And please keep in mind, that I am with you, despite the times that I am mad and moody. Please bear with me. :)

I hope that the coming years will bring you more blessings and happiness. I pray that your plans and dreams (aside from ours) materialize soon. Happy birthday and I love you! :)

Four years ago | © Wally

Our story (in photographs and poetry)

If I had known everything I know about who you are back when I didn't know a thing about you, I would’ve pulled you aside sooner and said Thank You for being one of the most incredible people I will ever know.

In that moment, our eyes met and I remember thinking This is what it is like to be struck by lightning, knowing I would never be untouched by you again.

Tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new.

And you're still here

"I can be an asshole of the grandest kind..."

There were times that I had hurt you when we have petty or big arguments. Sometimes unknowingly, sometimes not. But then you must have realized that you could not always win against me. You are always the one who understands. You are always the one who gives in so I can finally shut up. I sometimes apologize for those times I've been selfish, and you forgive me because you know me too well by now. How grateful I am for having you.

"I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone who is as negative as I am sometimes."

I can be easily turned off by unpleasant situations. I hate change of plans, if there were any. You easily feel when I don't feel good anymore, when I don't like certain things. It's like you have a mood radar made for me, and you sometimes know what to do exactly. But sometimes, you're clueless. It's alright, because I sometimes don't know what to do with myself either. I love how your words affect me like no other, like those times when you told me over and over that what I have done was nice because you know how much I worry. When I thought my plans have failed, you are the assurance that I need to calm me down. Oh, how grateful I am to be with you.

"You see everything, you see every part"

Almost one month with you as your wife, life has been blissful. We discover a lot about ourselves and I bet there are still more to know, you from me, and I from you. You are written in my thoughts, in my system, in my expressions, in my works. I love how we mature each day, how we like our childish ways, how we understand each other when others won't. I love you for sticking around, for seeing your face when I wake up, for all the love without conditions. Oh, how grateful I am for taking you as my partner.

"You see all my light, and you love my dark.

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed,

There's not anything to which you can't relate"

You are my greatest fan. And, I am yours. You took the time and effort to understand the things that I do. Your patience with me is incomparable. You understand how hard-headed I can get, how I turn away easily. You believe in my strength. You help me make my dreams, as if they are yours, too. You hope for me, and I love that about you. You simply accept me for all that I am, from best to worst that I can get. Oh, how grateful I am to have found you.

"And you're still here."

We have been through a lot, and there are more adventures in store for us as husband and wife. I thank you for all your love, in all its forms. I thank you for staying with me no matter what. I thank you for instilling hope and faith in me. I love you! Let's claim our plans and make exciting dreams! ♡