Woven

There were multiple possibilities of how our story could have gone.
Yet here we are,
We choose with what we know;
We create with what we have;
We forge on and dream with eyes open;
We cleave unto each other and learn to grow together;
We try to compromise amidst incidental disharmony;
We mess up and lose because life isn't always about winning.

There are multiple possibilities of how our story will fare.
By now, our beings and truths have been woven into one.
After many years, here we are, we are one.
What a comfort to know all these -
So on we'll go with this journey, and we'll keep going.

Happy 12th anniversary! ♥️

A decade together

If you'd ask what I've been doing the exact same day about a decade ago - I'd tell you that I was thinking of making one of the precious decisions in my life. A decade ago, I decided to start an exclusive relationship with Michael. It seemed rushed, but it felt right. Even back then, I knew that what we started was for the long haul. And I'm glad that it is. It has been a decade since that day, and a lot has happened. Was it really that long? It seemed like yesterday, and at the same time, it was like a long time ago.

We experienced a lot between then and now. We've had sunshine and rain, joy and pain, and I'm grateful that it's him that I get to spend them with. We learned to appreciate the times we spent together, and the times we spent apart while struggling with personal battles that we also learned to share with each other.  We got married after being together for five years and decided to live abroad. We made mistakes, argued about big and small issues, felt sorry, and always choose to make up. Sometimes we hurt each other unintentionally, I think it's inevitable and I hope that we always gain something valuable from those times. We traveled to interesting places while trying as much to save up for our dreams. We tried doing new stuff and agreed about a lot of things. We told stories we have never told anyone and laughed at jokes we also have never told anyone.

The first year

Surviving the long distance

Nueve

Happy 9th anniversary, Michael! I love you. ♡

Michael + Jillian

I encounter millions of bodies in my life; of these millions, I may desire some hundreds; but of these hundreds, I love only one. [1]

Hey hey!

"I don’t know who we’ll become

in the days ahead, she said.

I only know the quiet voice in my heart 

that says 

we’ll become it together..."

                                - Brian Andreas

This day always reminds me how I should be grateful for your life. It has been both fun and challenging growing with you through the years, and I would not want my recent six years to be different from what we exactly had.

Happy birthday, Michael! I hope that in each and every day, you would remember and know how I appreciate and love you. I pray that you get better in your profession and that you choose to be kinder. And please keep in mind, that I am with you, despite the times that I am mad and moody. Please bear with me. :)

I hope that the coming years will bring you more blessings and happiness. I pray that your plans and dreams (aside from ours) materialize soon. Happy birthday and I love you! :)

Four years ago | © Wally

Our story (in photographs and poetry)

If I had known everything I know about who you are back when I didn't know a thing about you, I would’ve pulled you aside sooner and said Thank You for being one of the most incredible people I will ever know.

In that moment, our eyes met and I remember thinking This is what it is like to be struck by lightning, knowing I would never be untouched by you again.

Tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new.

And you're still here

"I can be an asshole of the grandest kind..."

There were times that I had hurt you when we have petty or big arguments. Sometimes unknowingly, sometimes not. But then you must have realized that you could not always win against me. You are always the one who understands. You are always the one who gives in so I can finally shut up. I sometimes apologize for those times I've been selfish, and you forgive me because you know me too well by now. How grateful I am for having you.

"I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone who is as negative as I am sometimes."

I can be easily turned off by unpleasant situations. I hate change of plans, if there were any. You easily feel when I don't feel good anymore, when I don't like certain things. It's like you have a mood radar made for me, and you sometimes know what to do exactly. But sometimes, you're clueless. It's alright, because I sometimes don't know what to do with myself either. I love how your words affect me like no other, like those times when you told me over and over that what I have done was nice because you know how much I worry. When I thought my plans have failed, you are the assurance that I need to calm me down. Oh, how grateful I am to be with you.

"You see everything, you see every part"

Almost one month with you as your wife, life has been blissful. We discover a lot about ourselves and I bet there are still more to know, you from me, and I from you. You are written in my thoughts, in my system, in my expressions, in my works. I love how we mature each day, how we like our childish ways, how we understand each other when others won't. I love you for sticking around, for seeing your face when I wake up, for all the love without conditions. Oh, how grateful I am for taking you as my partner.

"You see all my light, and you love my dark.

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed,

There's not anything to which you can't relate"

You are my greatest fan. And, I am yours. You took the time and effort to understand the things that I do. Your patience with me is incomparable. You understand how hard-headed I can get, how I turn away easily. You believe in my strength. You help me make my dreams, as if they are yours, too. You hope for me, and I love that about you. You simply accept me for all that I am, from best to worst that I can get. Oh, how grateful I am to have found you.

"And you're still here."

We have been through a lot, and there are more adventures in store for us as husband and wife. I thank you for all your love, in all its forms. I thank you for staying with me no matter what. I thank you for instilling hope and faith in me. I love you! Let's claim our plans and make exciting dreams! ♡

Busy and happy!

There were days that I'd really like to update this but because I need more sleep or I need to do something else, writing here gets out of hand.

Anyway, it's already December! Few more days and it's our big day! So many things to do, so little time. I hope everything gets done well.

I feel grateful for everything that I accomplished during the days I wasn't writing. I feel most grateful for Michael - for all he is, for my family who gives the support that they can give especially during our wedding preparation, for friends who show how happy and excited they are. Really, nothing is impossible when you have faith in the One who makes all things possible. Thank you Lord :)

I'm posting a photo from our prenuptial pictorial by Red Label Studio. Hopefully, I can find more time to write pretty things about our wedding here. :)

Pure joy with my life partner

A year after

2013 was the year when he proposed, when we got engaged. It was September, just a few days before he left for work.

The days leading to that night were busy since he was preparing his things for his flight. I was clueless that it was going to happen. We spent most of the days together and I thought that he did not have time to prepare for his proposal and get a ring for me. But, it happened.

We went to a fundraising gig after we got engaged, and so, we had this photo:

When I told some close friends that I quickly responded 'yes' to his proposal, they would ask how he did it. I would tell them that he got down on one knee, babbled some 'things' I almost slapped (or, maybe I did, a little) him because I couldn't believe that he was doing it but nevertheless accepted him, undoubtedly. By the way, the ring was too small for my finger at that time and couldn't get it fit in; he later explained why it was like that. Such a simple proposal, whatchathink?

Maybe, some friends expected something grand, something with elements of surprise, more than I did. Especially nowadays when people puts pressure on how marriage proposals should be done. You could google 'marriage proposal' and find a lot of websites that say how to do it. Especially in this generation when a lot of moments were recorded through videos. You could find clips with titles such as Greatest Proposal Ever and Best Wedding Proposal and so on.

Well, compared to those uploaded videos and great suggestions you've seen and read so far, that night when he proposed to me would look simple, really. But that night was special. It did not need any other tricks, gimmick, connivance with friends, video coverage, and audience. What it needed was him and me, our faith, and love, and nothing else. Wait, and a ring to seal it, of course. There was something I saw in him that night, that even when he's not speaking, I would understand him.

If some people would ask again how he proposed, I would like to tell them how that moment was different. Instead, let me just tell it here how I saw him that night.

It was Saturday. We had a prayer meeting with Antiochers in the church. We sat beside each other, and told others that he was going abroad again. Most of them expressed that they would miss him. I couldn't remember what happened in the meeting but I recalled, he would hold my hand from time to time, then I would look at him like I was asking why. We were packing away our things and preparing to leave the church when he asked me to stay inside for a while, when others already went out. I was distracted that we might be left by others. Then. he got down on his knee. He was holding something in his hand, a ring. He was saying some things that I could not understand at first, because he sounded like he was stuttering. He looked vulnerable and happy at the same time. I realized that he was proposing. And then I thought how could someone look unsure but assured, uncertain but so certain. I didn't let him finish whatever he was saying, I punched him a little in his shoulder. I couldn't believe that he asked me to marry him. And, I said yes. 

We were certain about each other, and no matter how mindless I was that night, I would still choose to say yes. Over and over. It was one of those nights when I saw how much he became open and honest to me, how he's so assured and brave when he's with me, how he didn't care that his whole self was exposed to me because he knew, I'll love him anyway. Because that's the truth, I love him any way.

A year has passed after that night. And we are excited for that day, greater than any days we had together so far.

"Tell him yes. Even if you are dying of fear, even if you are sorry later, because whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life if you say no."
~Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera 

Five

Four plus one

The fingers in your hand

The pentagram

The pillars of Islam

Vowels in the alphabet

The little monkeys jumping on the bed

The third prime number

Iambic Pentameter

Mysteries of the rosary

Elements of Alchemy

Platonic solids

The stages of grief

Torah

Pentatonic Scale

The basic tastes

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Sacred wounds of Jesus

Every good boy does fine

Jakson 5

A Song of Ice and Fire

How long we've gone?

Those things have told

Five is just a number

For we're counting until forever.

When he gets weird

Couples, flowers, and chocolates flooded all over the places during Valentine's Day. It is always expected, along with the heavy traffic. My friends at work even talked about how we should leave early to hit home at a reasonably time that day.

We were all wearing black that day for our Glam rock themed Valentine Party with the kids. We thought how it was unfitting for this season of love. I enjoyed every bit of the party especially when I saw my kids danced in front of their moms and dads. Plus, I received sweets (messages and chocolates) from kids and parents. It felt like Teacher's day.

There was a trace of bitterness in friends' posts at different social networking sites, especially of those who were single for whatever reason they have. I thought how Valentine's is overrated, when it felt commercialized celebrating it.

I was about to get my bag and leave when someone looked for me in the frontline. It was a delivery. And then I thought, "Who can possibly give this to me?" I even opened the package slowly that read it was from Island Rose. To my surprise, it was from Michael, my boyfriend.

Delivery from Island Rose

That's weird, I thought to myself. Haha. I don't even enjoy flowers that much. So I looked if there's a letter attached to the package and found a short note. Aha! I love short notes. And there's a belgian chocolate box. My heart was so happy, I love chocolates even more! Haha

Well, Michael probably knows I don't fancy flowers but anyway, it was Valentine's and flowers were classic gifts one can give to their partners. It just that we were not that kind of couple who typically gives this kind of gifts to each other on special days. We love sharing songs, music-related stuff, and poetry, instead. And once in a while, it makes me glad that he gets weird by doing unusual things for us, like this one, even when there's distance between us. Well, that's love.

Love knows no distance. Love is giving time. Love is that surprise which makes your heart skip a beat every time. Love is not something to find because it is just right there in your heart. Love is not always perfect, but you can always choose to work it out. And, love is in the eye of the one who sees your faults and accepts you for who you are.

This season of love, I have yet another chance to be aware of all the love around me, and to let it grow more. May you see the love inside you and hope that you share it to the people you care for! God loves you! ♡

That Distance

Sometimes, distance can be good. You may not know why, but eventually you'll need it.

Almost two weeks ago, Michael (the boyfiriend) had left for work in Saudi Arabia. Hopefully, he will be back here in the Philippines after a year. I have been used to situations like this, going to the airport, bidding good luck and love but it is always never easy to say goodbye. If you think it through, one year will go by quickly and the waiting will all be over.

There are a lot of things to do while he is gone. Surely, I miss him, especially on special dates and during those days when I want to go somewhere and can't seem to find someone to be with me. Actually, I miss him everyday, even my mom missed him already. But I think I need this time to spend with my family and with myself. Distance does not suck at all. I know there are a lot of things to learn again from time and distance.

I am thankful that we're living at this age when technology makes it easier for us to communicate. I could not imagine how paranoid I could become if we will get to talk only through letters, like the characters in Dear John and A Very Long Engagement, which are, by the way, two good movies about long distance relationship and faith. We could update each other from time to time through BlackBerry Messenger.

He even sends me his OOTD, which is unusual because he does not like taking photos of himself. Haha! Like this one:

I hope that we will be both alright throughout this time that we won't be physically together. I pray that he will love his work and will get by with the people who are with him there. I know that time flies and it won't be long until he comes homes to me again. And, it won't be long until we fill out another survey like this one :p :

God bless you and me! ♡

Anyone else but you *

"You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend."

Seven years ago, we met and became acquaintances through a youth formation. You were in a band, and I saw you played at the town plaza that year, for the first time. Too bad that I only got to hear the last line of your last song which goes "I could be the man who grows old with you."

We became friends a year forward. We had these small conversations at Friendster back then. And when you learned that I write poems, I let you read my works. You appreciated them and promised me to make a music for that particular poem that you liked. I'm still waiting for that promise. Hehe! I started listening to bands and songs that you listen to. You even gave me a compilation of happy songs, sort of like a mixed tape only in CD. I lent you some of my favorite records and you loved them. That year, we became lovers.

  

"I kiss you all starry eyed, my body swings from side to side."

It all happened so fast. And I realized that you don't want me to get sad, that's why you always do your best to make us happy. There were times that you kept on asking if I was mad or sad, especially when I wasn't talking. That year, you gave me mixed CDs, with good songs I still love to hear even up to these days. When I want to be reminded of how WE began, I look for those songs and remember how each song meant to us. I wrote poems about you and let you read them. And I want you to know that I meant every part of each poem. I remember when I went with your band where you played Orange and Lemons' "A Beginning of Something Wonderful," you were looking straight at me when you sang along with the chorus. And I believe, that was exactly a beginning of something much wonderful.

When you had to go back to work abroad, we were both sad. That year had been challenging for us, but we learned to adjust. We had to schedule our chat time, beyond the distance, the time difference and crappy internet connections. We have learned so much about ourselves, relationship and friendship. And it's surprising that I got to know you better even when we're not physically together.

  

"We sure are cute for two ugly people."

When you took your vacation from work, we finally had time to catch up. We have changed and I was happy how we progressed. We could talk about anything, laugh about anyone, and argue about smallest things. And those things even made US more colorful. Our small fights had been often that time but they helped us on who we are today. I love US, not the Tom-and-Summer way, but in our simple ways. 

  

When you went back abroad, I enjoyed recording and playing songs. I sent them to you and you loved them. Of course, you should! Hehe. And you also sent me your records, including your original riffs. And I loved them, of course. We shared the music that we discovered, movies that touched us, and Wimpy Kid series that we both loved. Zoo-wee-mama!

"You are always trying to keep it real, I'm in love with how you feel."

When you opted to resign from work abroad, I was with you on that decision. I was happy that you won't be stressed anymore because of that work. We had the chance to celebrate together for the first time: Valentine's and our Anniversary. I gave enough time when you reviewed for the Board Examination for Civil Engineers and I celebrated with you when you passed it. I was so proud of you at that time, and still am.

 

We had more time to spend happy days together and planned trips. We went to concerts of your favorite bands (MxPx and The Ataris) for free. We attended music fair and independent films screening. We traveled to and ate (a lot) at different places and tasted anything that we could want. We even planned to make a food blog that never materialized, because we like eating more than writing. We climbed mountain, played together, and enjoyed our commitments to the Antioch community. I have grown up through you, through us.

You love, you learn

A few days ago, we (my boyfriend and I) had a misunderstanding that sprung out from our simple actions we never thought meant so much to us. We talked about it this evening and finally resolved it.

I realized a lot from this simple fight. One of those was that how simple things can create an unimaginable aftermath and how not talking it over can lead to more complication. I am not so good with talking it over with someone to resolve a conflict. I would always opt to throw a cold treatment towards that person, instead. I thought that there is always no need to explain why I end up feeling bad, or what someone did that I did not like. Certainly, I know that my thoughts and actions are wrong towards resolving a conflict. I do think that without proper communication, nothing can help us to make people understand us, our actions and feelings.

Of course, how you would come up with a resolution still depends on you, on the situation, or on the person you have conflict with. That leads me to thinking that in order for other people to understand us more, we must make our fears and the things that hurt us, known. We have to make them known so that we can let go.

There is always no easy way to face our problems, but talking will help, communicating is better. And if you really want to make something right, you have to act on it, not sleep through it. For always, there are plenty of life's lessons in store for us.

I found a note from a blog and I think it is true. Part of loving is learning to let go, so that we can love more. 

Photo source:  http://thingsweforget.blogspot.com/2012/09/930-part-of-loving-is-learning-to-let-go.html 

God bless you and me! ♡

Almost there

It is the 13th today and a few more days, it will be May 20. It is our anniversary date. And this year, it will be the third.

For the past two years, we were not able to celebrate it together, but that were all fine. We learned to get by it because it is one of the consequences of long distance relationship. And for this year, I am actually wondering what will be the difference, or will there be?

The years that gone by between us while being away from each other, were not the most glory, but surely, we have learned a lot from it. There were fights, misunderstandings (a lot of it, thanks to me) and resolution of course. There was no other options than to stay together because we have a commitment to keep. But each year, it was a time for me to at least, evaluate what we have; to see if what we have is still good.

How do one actually celebrate their anniversary? Should it be simple? Should it be a grand celebration? Should it be something memorable? I guess I will just have to wait if it will be something. And surely, this is again another time to reevaluate myself if I have changed for the better in this relationship or if I am becoming worse. I am actually fearing something, something that might come up.

I hope I'd be better.